Featured

First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

Advertisements

This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.

post

YOU TRIED AND CARED AND THAT’S ENOUGH

 

2019-03-18 21.12.47.png

So yes I know that the feelings that keeps coming back are those that never left in the first place. Sometimes we hold on to them or rather I hold on to these feelings because those people who walked away had a part in my story and I can’t just get myself to let the memories I  had with them go. The wise words of letting go are easier said than done.

I’ m one of those people who take time to heal and even sometimes I never heal because it’s so hard to accept the facts that maybe that person is gone.For me those persons are mostly my friends.At one time I was on fire,everything was going well in my life. I had plans and build bubbles on air,life was good. I take risks trying to get things back to how they are. I put my heart on the line trying to recreate those memories or keep the fire burning because I believe that if it’s still in my mind then it’s worth taking a risk.

Don’t get me wrong we all have perspective about how our lives are. I consider my life a novel and I’m  fully aware that I have to go through all the pages and chapters .I’ve tried changing who I am infact I put on the act for months,there is a time I considered myself a bad girl (i’m a generally good girl) and led by the motto that if its not going to matter in 5 years time then it shouldn’t bother you for more than 5 minutes. Yeah I tried to ignore and take all the events in my life by this motto but you just can’t change who you are.

Honestly from all this I discovered myself.I’m not “that bitch“. I feel stuff, I love hard,I hurt harder. When I miss someone I cry. I can’t handle being a stranger in a crowded room. I’m a lover and a softie.

I’m a bad ass in all other areas yes like class work,chores,responsibilities,being a daughter and a sister.when I  feel alone I share my thoughts on a piece of paper because I’m not sure about the place I have in people’s lives and I  can’t  bet on them to give me the position I feel i deserve to take. Sometimes people don’t just choose you as much as you would choose them. You never know who is with you or against you and most of the time they just walk in the middle because they are not sure whether to pick you.

There comes a time where you have to pick between closing a book and turning the page. And this is usually the hardest part of my life the moment that I know I  need to count on myself and trust myself enough to shift,let go and uproot.

So as I  write this I forgive everyone that did a number on me and if I was the toxic one in your life forgive me too (good girl mode). I have already let it hurt,then it bled now it’s healing then I  have to let go.I’m allowed to find who I am and get a new chance to begin blooming into my best self because if I wait until I’m ready well I’ll be waiting for a long time, maybe even for the rest of my life.

My Tillage

It may appear that I write to you but I just write my feelings down to understand better what I feel. At some point I realised that I had lost everything interesting in my life,the strength that kept me going and even those little dreams I had which had made me jump out of bed excited to face each day. I decided to go silent and keep a low profile,i figured that i needed some time off.

Within this time I realised that not everyone can understand me and that every soul is it’s own equation. While you may appear as little less sensless and gibberish to some,others will only need a single look to know who you realy are and my only competition is me and the time I’d conquer me I’ll win.

Even for me nothing is ever clear-cut in my life,the choices are always so damn difficult, the prices to be paid are so high and risks so great. Maybe it is wrong to look at things the way i do and sometimes i feel guilty about some decisions I make but even then I make sure to forgive myself for not knowing what I did not know until I lived through it.

If you are given an opportunity to relive a part of your life,will you ever make the same decisions? Will you give yourself to the same people you did? Those people who create chaos for others and stops them at whatever time it suits them.

Again I remember that I am only supposed to live for the little things in life,the sunrises and sunsets where I see colours in the sky where they don’t usually belong. I Live for the funny conversations that break my ribs and the bike rides with music in my ears,wind in my hair and life in my eyes.

You should live for the days where you are sorrounded by your favourite people who remind you that the world is not a cold harsh place,live for the little things that will make you realise how nice it is to be alive.

There are those few people in your life that will tell you what you need to hear rather than what you want to hear no matter the consequences. Identify those people early and keep them close,they will keep you sane,they will keep you humble and brave.

Life will always present us with a choice:evolve or remain. If you choose to remain unchanged, you will face the same challenges,same routines,same storms and situations until you learn to love yourself enough and say “no more”, until you choose to change. When you choose to evolve,you will connect with the strength within you,you will start to explore above the comfort zone,you will learn to love,you will become,you will be,you have everything just choose to evolve.

DISTRACTIONS

Life is always a perspective you’ll describe it from the angle you are seeing it from. From some point we see that we are safe and nothing could happen to us but from another you get to know that you are so vulnerable and the world is not all green and blue but as I said all that is perspective and we can talk about it some other time.

It’s easy to get distracted,the world is so full of noise.So much of it that if we listened to all of it we would never reach where we are supposed to. We know we need to focus on most important things, the things that really matter for instance our health, family, relationships but there is also money to be made and power to be siezed so your eyes are drawn away and we get lost not realising that the things we really want are right in front of us.

So I had just hit my rock bottom and was a breath away from depression. I was not proud of what I had done with myself upto where I was or rather I was just unhappy. My class attendance was a wreck and it seemed like I’m doing nothing to improve it, I was also getting dumb by day “how can I forget how to spell psyche”. I’m always about happiness and now it seemed like I’m a stranger to it leave alone myself. My head wouldn’t stop aching and I had gotten so used to the mara moja licking them like vitamins . I’m still human, I can only take enough and when I thought nothing could get worse my cortisol activated and started working more than ever making me dread the excess fat that i was beggining to put on.

The thing is, no one actually tells you how to get out of it moreso when they think you are as perfect as they come but deep down you know you are a failure and their perception is all wrong.They don’t realize that what they see is what I want them to see. I am this charming, confident, sweet and vibrant person in public but the real me was throwing punch after punch on my face and I had no idea what to do or where to run to in private. My best friend knew that I needed help but she also knew no one could help me and i had to pull myself out of it. Alone.

I knew I had to find myself but I forgot where I had lost the real me.Where exactly had i lost myself? I had everything planned out just right and I know most people dont like to plan for things that will come ahead but planning was working out well for me until I met with perfection. I became so obssesed with it that I stopped doing things my way and followed instructions from books and google outlines. Just to show how I had lost my self confidence I deleted my keyboard and had another that corrected every word I typed so that I would miss a letter. I was so afraid to try out new ideas because I wouldn’t stand to be second place or lose so I failed because I never even made an effort.

Failure was hitting me hard and hard until I became numb.My relationships with people were crumbling and I did not break a finger. It wasn’t until today that I woke up from this messy fog.Something happened to me today that made me realise that I might never come back from where I’m heading. I came by Nelson Mandela’s quote that the greatest glory in living lies not in never failing but in rising everytime we fall.

I just read somewhere that when you fail, especially when you are failing miserably as if it’s the only thing you know how to do,you go back to finding your home.Your home is anything you love more than yourself. Something you can dedicate all your energy to with singular devotion that the end result will become inconsequential. And believe me or not my home is me. I realised that I can not do anything without being at peace with myself.When I’m thinking straight I can give myself the best counsel and get the train on truck I just have to start over and learn how to trust myself.

Well I have no where else to go since I hit the bottom I might l just as well start over. At least I’m going home.

BROKEN

Snapchat-306540905

 

 

I read somewhere that broken people give broken love,but ain’t we all broken? When one half is brought together with another they become whole, and that’s where my idea revolves,two broken people can either fit perfectly or destroy each other beyond repair.If you’ve been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to other living beings,then you are a bad ass with a heart of an angel. We are all a little broken, you just have to forgive and sew up the wounds love delivers and move on.

I like medical movies and lately I’ve been following Grey’s Anatomy and I’m obsessed over Drew Shepherd or Mac Dreamy,the dreamiest man with eyes that can touch your soul.He has the saddest eyes compared to the other characters and this attracts me,I’m always attracted to things that rip my heart out,love, drama,broken people,dreams and pretty words from dirty faces.

I love people with broken eyes and broken smiles. I love people who feel too much and have seen more. I love people who are silent because they appreciate how sometimes words can’t explain the moment,I love people who find themselves in the most unusual places,where they go to fall apart in solitude. I admire these people,I look up to them and appreciate them for they know more about true love than anyone else. I love me.

I understand why we get stuck sometimes. Hearts are stubborn. They sink their hooks into bad habits that look like people and dreams. But look at how much we give off ourselves. Our most precious gifts handed over another who may or may not value them ad much as we do. Have you ever heard someone falling asleep?  Or watched someone break down? There are very few people in this world that can share breakfast at midnight or who can forgive you completely. People who get you to believe it’s actually all worth it and you don’t flinch when you look them in the eyes and make the bed more comfortable for us.

When you find them,in a way, you find yourself, when you lose them,in a way,you lose yourself.Get this you will always be too much for anyone not enough.somewhere out there is someone who’ll bring pieces of you home.and you’ll realize that  losing everything is the only way to figure out what’s worth finding. And damn these broken people are tragically beautiful and the irony is  broken people are not fragile.

Let it burn

Sometimes I don’t know what to write because I’m afraid of how the feedback would be. I take my position and I’m like should I write following all the instructions that come with electronic writting to reach my audience better or should I just inspire or rather blend in and say what they want to hear. When all of these pop I know I’ve lost and just slide under my sheets and play a movie.

So my feelings suffocate me and I find that I become so heavy inside because I’ve held so much in for so long .Writing gives me the solace that nothing else can give,it’s my escape route from a hip-breaking life of school, social media and relationships. It’s when I open up to the world and breathe and see how perfect the world can still be.

Trashing all the negative energy,whether I’ll write something that would make me win an award or not I don’t care. I’ll keep on because of how I feel. I lost it when I tried to take everyone’s opinion and use it as a shorthand guideline for my life. It’s not a popularity contest to me but just finding my fire and you all know what happens when a girl is on fire.

Life is too short to pretend you are into kinky stuff- im into them. I insist,what stories will you tell your grandchildren ? That you were so perfect? Be present,make love,make coffee, swim in the ocean,take chances,accept losses,know your worth,love fiercely and let go of what doesn’t make you happy.If you want to cry then cry don’t mind the status quo of public display of emotions,sometimes you are just so sad. It is not worth suffocating a piece of your heart so that someone may think better of you.

I know we are all human who make mistakes,yes you got so drunk and threw away your phone because you thought you were carrying a cockroach,take care of it. You betrayed someone’s trust and cheated,own your mistake. Always take an extra minute to correct yourself and never allow them to fester into something bigger than they were ment to be.Life is hard enough without you trying to cause yourself more unnecessary pain.

Is it just me or have you ever noticed that during your birthday people crawl out from everywhere to wish you well even those who are just in your memory. It may seem insincere but these people could have passed your profile without saying a word so if they took some time off their busy day to tell you that they care then never forget that. In a world where you can be anything be kind and thoughtful.

However long it may seem. Those journeys by train,the little games you play ,concentration,and the long years of friendship,it will end eventually and the memory of that person will come back someday so let’s live fully. It is better to be aware of what we represent and what people will remember about us when our names comes up.

And we are all different,my fire is in writing,I love when I communicate this way,someone loves dancing,beach boys love teaching people how to swim,it’s okay. Don’t be the force that will make someone sit on his/her own happiness.lets insipre others and motivate them to dream and work on their dream.”this man was a legend,a legend of his time,when he came to party,the party never died”. We only live once so let’s break a leg.

When feelings fade

They say that when you are about to die your whole life flashes before you,I would love to use this theory to explain how a heartbreak feels,my previous relationships play back again and again,at least for me it’s that way.

I wanted to write this on my birthday-valentines-because for some reason I believe that being born on a valentines was a curse rather than a blessing that many people assume.As a valentine baby you are now just expected to have a perfect love life because you were born on a day of love but that’s ironically the opposite.

Being a lady who settles when she gets a boyfriend I’ve just had two real relationships which according to me they start so well, you know being in love and wanting to take death places for each other.Believing that this is my happy ever after and I’ve finally found the one fantasy.

The first one,just like any girl,ment a lot to me,i realised i could sing and even became a poet.I would even stop in the middle of my chores and sit just to think about how he looked at me. I imagined that someone was watching me,like the Disney thingy so I had to dramatize and act like Ariel of little mermaid. At that point all of those princesses had nothing on me,my love story was about to dim their shine.

Too bad for me,he cheated. He knew his game so damn well that at some point I started believing that nothing could get worse and I’m comfortable with what he did.It was like a necessary evil,you know that pain when you scratch a healing wound,you hurt yourself but it’s usually irressistable and worth it.I was so obsessed that even after doing all that he is the one who actually broke up with me.

I had to forget about him,I had to find someone who could fill that empty place he left and I found him.He was an honest guy and after being cheated on for as long as I could remember I wanted a difference.I wanted to feel something real that can surpass what I initially had,and actually I did it. I don’t judge one man with another’s mistake so I loved him,more than I did the previous one.

It was better .We had our moments.Time passed. We made our memories and made promises not knowing it was just a matter of time. To cut the story short it did not work,again. So for me these relationships keep playing again and again and I knew that’s not what I wanted.

Yes I took the break up well,I made sure I cried to sleep every night,I watched sad movies and listened to sad songs so that I would feel bad and cry more but nothing came out of it and I guess it was it was time to move on or else I’ll be living in a merry go round of heart breaks.

You all expect me to start being a motivational speaker or hit the gym to get a revenge body but no I feel in love again however it was with me this time. I just woke up and realised that trust gets you killed,intimate love gets you hurt and being real gets you hated so it was only me who will always be there for me.

When feelings fade and you start seeing the big picture you realise that you only matter when you are dead,famous or beautiful I choose to stand by me,focus on my dreams and learn how to live with myself . Being alone is so addictive and the deeper you get the peaceful it becomes.