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My Tillage

It may appear that I write to you but I just write my feelings down to understand better what I feel. At some point I realised that I had lost everything interesting in my life,the strength that kept me going and even those little dreams I had which had made me jump out of bed excited to face each day. I decided to go silent and keep a low profile,i figured that i needed some time off.

Within this time I realised that not everyone can understand me and that every soul is it’s own equation. While you may appear as little less sensless and gibberish to some,others will only need a single look to know who you realy are and my only competition is me and the time I’d conquer me I’ll win.

Even for me nothing is ever clear-cut in my life,the choices are always so damn difficult, the prices to be paid are so high and risks so great. Maybe it is wrong to look at things the way i do and sometimes i feel guilty about some decisions I make but even then I make sure to forgive myself for not knowing what I did not know until I lived through it.

If you are given an opportunity to relive a part of your life,will you ever make the same decisions? Will you give yourself to the same people you did? Those people who create chaos for others and stops them at whatever time it suits them.

Again I remember that I am only supposed to live for the little things in life,the sunrises and sunsets where I see colours in the sky where they don’t usually belong. I Live for the funny conversations that break my ribs and the bike rides with music in my ears,wind in my hair and life in my eyes.

You should live for the days where you are sorrounded by your favourite people who remind you that the world is not a cold harsh place,live for the little things that will make you realise how nice it is to be alive.

There are those few people in your life that will tell you what you need to hear rather than what you want to hear no matter the consequences. Identify those people early and keep them close,they will keep you sane,they will keep you humble and brave.

Life will always present us with a choice:evolve or remain. If you choose to remain unchanged, you will face the same challenges,same routines,same storms and situations until you learn to love yourself enough and say “no more”, until you choose to change. When you choose to evolve,you will connect with the strength within you,you will start to explore above the comfort zone,you will learn to love,you will become,you will be,you have everything just choose to evolve.

DISTRACTIONS

Life is always a perspective you’ll describe it from the angle you are seeing it from. From some point we see that we are safe and nothing could happen to us but from another you get to know that you are so vulnerable and the world is not all green and blue but as I said all that is perspective and we can talk about it some other time.

It’s easy to get distracted,the world is so full of noise.So much of it that if we listened to all of it we would never reach where we are supposed to. We know we need to focus on most important things, the things that really matter for instance our health, family, relationships but there is also money to be made and power to be siezed so your eyes are drawn away and we get lost not realising that the things we really want are right in front of us.

So I had just hit my rock bottom and was a breath away from depression. I was not proud of what I had done with myself upto where I was or rather I was just unhappy. My class attendance was a wreck and it seemed like I’m doing nothing to improve it, I was also getting dumb by day “how can I forget how to spell psyche”. I’m always about happiness and now it seemed like I’m a stranger to it leave alone myself. My head wouldn’t stop aching and I had gotten so used to the mara moja licking them like vitamins . I’m still human, I can only take enough and when I thought nothing could get worse my cortisol activated and started working more than ever making me dread the excess fat that i was beggining to put on.

The thing is, no one actually tells you how to get out of it moreso when they think you are as perfect as they come but deep down you know you are a failure and their perception is all wrong.They don’t realize that what they see is what I want them to see. I am this charming, confident, sweet and vibrant person in public but the real me was throwing punch after punch on my face and I had no idea what to do or where to run to in private. My best friend knew that I needed help but she also knew no one could help me and i had to pull myself out of it. Alone.

I knew I had to find myself but I forgot where I had lost the real me.Where exactly had i lost myself? I had everything planned out just right and I know most people dont like to plan for things that will come ahead but planning was working out well for me until I met with perfection. I became so obssesed with it that I stopped doing things my way and followed instructions from books and google outlines. Just to show how I had lost my self confidence I deleted my keyboard and had another that corrected every word I typed so that I would miss a letter. I was so afraid to try out new ideas because I wouldn’t stand to be second place or lose so I failed because I never even made an effort.

Failure was hitting me hard and hard until I became numb.My relationships with people were crumbling and I did not break a finger. It wasn’t until today that I woke up from this messy fog.Something happened to me today that made me realise that I might never come back from where I’m heading. I came by Nelson Mandela’s quote that the greatest glory in living lies not in never failing but in rising everytime we fall.

I just read somewhere that when you fail, especially when you are failing miserably as if it’s the only thing you know how to do,you go back to finding your home.Your home is anything you love more than yourself. Something you can dedicate all your energy to with singular devotion that the end result will become inconsequential. And believe me or not my home is me. I realised that I can not do anything without being at peace with myself.When I’m thinking straight I can give myself the best counsel and get the train on truck I just have to start over and learn how to trust myself.

Well I have no where else to go since I hit the bottom I might l just as well start over. At least I’m going home.

Let it burn

Sometimes I don’t know what to write because I’m afraid of how the feedback would be. I take my position and I’m like should I write following all the instructions that come with electronic writting to reach my audience better or should I just inspire or rather blend in and say what they want to hear. When all of these pop I know I’ve lost and just slide under my sheets and play a movie.

So my feelings suffocate me and I find that I become so heavy inside because I’ve held so much in for so long .Writing gives me the solace that nothing else can give,it’s my escape route from a hip-breaking life of school, social media and relationships. It’s when I open up to the world and breathe and see how perfect the world can still be.

Trashing all the negative energy,whether I’ll write something that would make me win an award or not I don’t care. I’ll keep on because of how I feel. I lost it when I tried to take everyone’s opinion and use it as a shorthand guideline for my life. It’s not a popularity contest to me but just finding my fire and you all know what happens when a girl is on fire.

Life is too short to pretend you are into kinky stuff- im into them. I insist,what stories will you tell your grandchildren ? That you were so perfect? Be present,make love,make coffee, swim in the ocean,take chances,accept losses,know your worth,love fiercely and let go of what doesn’t make you happy.If you want to cry then cry don’t mind the status quo of public display of emotions,sometimes you are just so sad. It is not worth suffocating a piece of your heart so that someone may think better of you.

I know we are all human who make mistakes,yes you got so drunk and threw away your phone because you thought you were carrying a cockroach,take care of it. You betrayed someone’s trust and cheated,own your mistake. Always take an extra minute to correct yourself and never allow them to fester into something bigger than they were ment to be.Life is hard enough without you trying to cause yourself more unnecessary pain.

Is it just me or have you ever noticed that during your birthday people crawl out from everywhere to wish you well even those who are just in your memory. It may seem insincere but these people could have passed your profile without saying a word so if they took some time off their busy day to tell you that they care then never forget that. In a world where you can be anything be kind and thoughtful.

However long it may seem. Those journeys by train,the little games you play ,concentration,and the long years of friendship,it will end eventually and the memory of that person will come back someday so let’s live fully. It is better to be aware of what we represent and what people will remember about us when our names comes up.

And we are all different,my fire is in writing,I love when I communicate this way,someone loves dancing,beach boys love teaching people how to swim,it’s okay. Don’t be the force that will make someone sit on his/her own happiness.lets insipre others and motivate them to dream and work on their dream.”this man was a legend,a legend of his time,when he came to party,the party never died”. We only live once so let’s break a leg.

Without Filters

Why do we fear them?Is it because they show us what we really are without our fancy clothes and expensive perfumes.We can’t help but wonder how they can still hold on even when the ride gets so rough.But first,how did they even get there?Some of them just blinked and when they opened their eyes that was their new reality.

For Britt her hate went beyond the grave to the silent haven where secrets and truth reside.She would have never traded the streets for anything  in the world.Her former world had taken a turn so fast and so sudden.All it took was a day to change her fate.She was 9 but carried a budden heavier than someone twice her age,completely lost in thought she couldn’t find the right answer of why he did it.Her father,the only man she knew, had turned into an animal.

Inside she was already dead,empty and tortured. She was  scared of being alone but the faith that she had for people had died along with her mother.She wanted to cry but her well had run dry over the past few days,her eyes swollen and painful as she remembered how she had watched her father butcher her mother, the woman he had taken an oath to be with as long as he lived-well oaths are taken to be broken, right?

What had come over him, she wondered upto date, yes they used to have fights and she knew her mother was never nice.Her dad was always silent,he  never spoke back at her mother not even when her mother yelled at him and she looked upto him with adoration.Her mother had been loud for as long as she could remember, not picking on who to yell at, always mad at everyone and Britt grew attached to her dad as a result. This had not bothered her a bit as she was not a kid’s person anyway that’s why Britt never had any sisters or brothers.

That day her father got home looking a bit uneasy for reasons that never came up even after her prying. Her mother was not home yet but when she arrived she made it known with her complaints.She had not bothered to ask about how everyone’s day was, all she did was curse and talk about her intolerable boss, how the house help had not done her work well, how the neighbour’s dog ran around their yard and how her husband did not understand her-that’s when she pushed the wrong button.

Her dad had had enough,she wanted to think of it as that.He had gotten up and trailed past her to their garage.She was still doing her homework, the noise was a part of their home she had gotten accustomed to it, he came back with a  panga,they had a  panga but that was not the astonishing part.

Just before her eyes, she thought it was a nightmare and pinched herself to make sure,he was gruesome,he had stopped and looked at Britt but even the terror that filled her eyes had not stopped him from doing it.How she had loved him before.

She had run away from home that moment.Without looking back,had not shed a tear,she couldn’t, it was just so terrifying to cry.She knew that her life will never be the same.She could go anywhere but home.The streets,the gutter and abandoned houses would do for the time.

Now her life was in the hands of drunk men who always molested and even raped those who she hanged around , she would now be exposed to bad weather and her family would now be the ones who fight for food from the gutters and tear each other’s clothes in futile efforts to snatch it from each other.From that day on she was a chokora, as people in her area referred to street children. People would be afraid of her,just as she used to be of them.

Some kids are in the streets because they were born there, others because of poverty,others are victims of violence and child abuse.All in all most of them are there because they lack care and have to fend for themselves and some like her a really there because of family breaks and terror.This she had learnt while in the streets.

You never really get to know them until you lower yourself to their level. Last week she had had a family and a nice house but now she did not even want to think of it and the streets were her solace.All of them had a life before that-except the ones born there.

We pretend that the world is nice and everyone is a brother but what we see on them,fights and rumbling, is what the world really is.They might stink and be miserable to look at but that is just our picture without filters.There is not a single day  they don’t remember how it used to be before the streets and  there comes the glue, their antidepressant, and for a while they forget their misery but at the expense of their sanity. 

Britt wondered what had happened to her dad but the world did not know and did not care, all they saw when they looked at her is misery and could not wait to isolate her.The world is careless instead of solving the original problem they want to ignore that the problem even exists.

My own ebony


I had been so exhausted with my last minute rush that it wasn’t easy to take time,breath and enjoy my train trip back home.I wondered how my mother would react to my  increasing disorganized way of doing things,I smiled to myself remembering how she follows me around  putting things back in place  and telling me how disastrous every step I made was and I knew she couldn’t stand it but again she wouldn’t trade me for anything.It made me warm insides just thinking about how divine a mother’s love for her child is and I loved her.

My mind strayed and I  remembered Sarah.It’s been 5 months since she passed.Sarah was my beloved,the most beautiful person I had ever set my eyes upon,my favourite human and we were perfect together and shared dreams of the future,we even had names just  waiting for our children who were yet to be born.Whenever she comes to my mind I clicked like a switch and the lights were turned back on,I could feel her,smell her,hear her voice feel the charm she poured on my heart.She was my ebony.

I rememberd everything in detail and she had been mine,that I could say with confidence.Our communication was great and we were happy and the affection we had grew by day.Her beauty had driven me to her father’s fence braving the barking of dogs and piercing of thorns and patters of rains on my face.Yes I had been rained on trying to steal glances of her pretty face.

She had this mama Africa luster and thing going on and the allure about her was so hard to place and she had caught my eye and everyday that dawned without her in my arms had threatend to kill my very own existance.I was afraid to approach her fearing that she would reject me.Eventually I surmounted my fears and it paid off when i got her name and after several dates we started seeing each other.

The last time we had spoken she said she had a surprise for me and she was sure I would love it.She was so excited about it and I couldn’t wait to see what she had planned.She always surprised me,beautiful surprises it was in her nature to throw something off and it came out just fine but not that last time.

The last surprise she had pulled hit me,so hard it felt like lightening.The voice,charisma was Sarah’s but where was her smooth ebony skin?Who had lured her into that madness ,the race to getting this white skin,her veins protruding underneath her skin.The dark shinning skin showing nothing but pure African beauty unblemished save for the scars from firewood hunting had gone.Was that her big surprise?She was so excited yet now she was like a leopard spotted with different colours.

Later after seeing that I was not impressed with the change she broke up with me.She had changed even the break up was a sudden decision she made which was not like her.She was not beautiful anymore even in the pigment she forced and that showed lack of confidence and self esteem.What she didn’t know is that there was also a health factor.She was a prisoner of an umbrella which was always at hand until her time came.

Gone was the smooth ebony in its place a rainbow.She no longer wore a sundress for the fear of  the blemishes lining her legs.Not even a vest in the scotching sun.She developed different colours and the skin started falling off like a leper. Soon layers of dead skin started forming scales and eventually cancer got her.

I believe that putting your life at risk just to please others is not right. Again if you are a banana you don’t have to change yourself into a mango so that those who don’t love bananas will love you.Just be the banana you were created to be and you will get sincere love.How do you even say you love someone when you don’t love yourself enough to want to be you.In every girl there is a Cinderella and in every boy there is a prince charming.

We spend alot of time in our lives trying to keep up and be like some other people.Competing and losing sleep on people who most of the time don’t even know that we are on them.We should challenge ourselves and try to be us love ourselves and appreciate what we have.

Well I alighted my train and now I just want to go home and see my mum.